Sunday, December 4, 2011

Attention! Attention! Attention!

All those exclamation marks in the title make it look like I'm in a sitcom set in WW2.

It should read much more gently:- "Attention, attention, attention, dear boy." For that is the philosophy I am going to adhere to.

Despite not having an effing clue as to the language they speak in Buddhism, I continue to voyage around it. Indeed, last night I attended my first social event as a member of FP (not Fucking Prats as you may already have muttered involuntarily) but Foundation Programme.   This means, I am in the swing of meditation and want to go a bit further and learn the 8 Steps to Happiness. There may only be 8, but it takes a while to get up 'em!
I have been attending for bout 7 months now and we're only on page 86...and I go twice a week!.  It's definitely not this book! I really hope there are cats inside.

Still, it is helping to retrain the mind and I have discovered over the 7 months that many people that attend FP, struggle with depression and have found it helps enormously. There are bits of it that I simply cannot accept, but I'm learning to be more accepting of my lack of acceptance. Certainly, people who go to Buddhism classes like to laugh and on occasion, look positively radiant with it.
Last night's Winter Banquet didn't even try to disguise the fact that it was a Christmas party in all but name, and I like that! We had pretend champagne and the most gorgeous vegetarian food.
We had a raffle with (as our host said) enough prizes to take home about 6 each. Trevor won about 9, Marlene 12 and Jade 47, leaving 1 for me but as some people got nothing at all, I was happy with that :) We told jokes and pulled crackers and moaned about Ricky Gervais. We stuffed ourselves.Yes, a good night indeed. And for me, it was rather lovely to be in a room full of people on a night out where no one was drinking. It levelled the playing field a bit.
 Anyway, readers of my other blog will know that it started a train of thought in me around addictive personalities. However, the knowledge alone hasn't lowered my calorie intake and so, I am about to start with you dear Filers, to monitor my eating behaviour via the wonder of my blog and in conjunction with a text on Buddhism, which boils down the whole religion into 3 medium-sized words "Attention, attention, attention". Buddhism is all about paying attention, to your thoughts, to your breathing, to the world around you but most importantly for me, to your body.
I am going to try to pay attention to my body, how it feels, where stress is gathering, whether I need to scratch my arse. In short, I will be monitoring what is going on for me.

I will do this for a month and then analyse the results. Or possibly, you can Filers!

So, now . It is 10.50pm on sunday 4th December.
My teeth hurt because I have been grinding and pushing them and I have a lot of tension in my jaw.
I have a dry mouth. This suggests that I am anxious. When I move my head backwards, I get little spasms of pain on my shoulder blades and across the top of my back, My fingers feel stiff and bloated and the joint between my index and middle finger on the right hand hurts as though it had been bruised. Indeed, following that line a little further down my hand and there is a bruise. My shoulders are raised. Something is stuck in my throat. Not a physical thing, but have been feeling a little nauseas lately. Something needs to come out (not like Alien, but a bit like Alien) 
My stomach feels full of food but I was hungry just moments ago. I am thirsty.
My feet are uncomfortable. They feel like they need pampering with massage and oils and cream and hot towels. I have pains in my boobs and after minor panics about breast cancer, have just remembered that I probably strained myself cutting Paula's hedge yesterday.

Not hungry now, need to sleep. xxx


had porridge 2.5 hours ago and am hungry again. It cannot be.

So, what's up?
1. Thinking of everything I have to do today and am a bit anxious.
2. Money concerns
3. Weight/excercise concerns
4. calls to make that I do not want to 
5. christmas to afford
6. a 2 page list of jobs
7. A friend tells me that another friend isn't happy with me but I haven't seen her for weeks (unless that's it?)
8.jaw clenched
9. the looming spectre of christmas dos that I feel uncomfy attending and have no fat clothes to wear that has caused a pain in my head!
10. parnets/christmas scenario
11. boobs hurt still
12.clenched body, roll of fat in middle annoying me.
13.not happy with myself over this weight gain, of growing older, of wrinkles,I must have done something wrong
14.that has made me tearful, so I have reached today's truth and I feel sad that I give myself such a hard time.
Off christmas shopping, I have relaxed a little.
 Maybe because I googled old and found this :)

Friday, November 4, 2011

Sort yourself out!

Hey Tornado hunters!
Cranked this back to life because the post won't sit well in the parallel universe. So I've come back over to the dark side

Just had a weird hour with the counsellor. I don't think I handled things well.

 I ricocheted from one subject to another and bless her, she got to the bottom of it all, then I ricocheted (ricocheted is a bit like crocheted when it comes to spelling. That makes the sentence sound  much better -think I'll go with it)..then I crocheted all over again! 

Being very far up the shitty stick of poverty has prompted me to do something I have been thinking about for a while - reducing my psychotherapy sessions from 2 to 1 a week.

 I had been using P as a bit of a sounding board as much as anything else but recently realised that people who are a one half of a couple  do that over the dishes, or in the car or by throwing bags of crinkle cut carrots at each other in the frozen aisle of Morrisons.
 So, if I could find some way to get rid of all the shit that comes with daily life and focus more confidently on moving my self  forward with my life, it would suit me and my bank balance and would help me to optimise my week.

Unfortunately, although I had a sense of that when I went in and began asking for it very clearly, I soon descended into frustration, more crocheting and -of all things - a meeting between myself, my Guidance teacher and my Dad, 32 years ago. 

Then apparently, I started wiggling my foot quite ferociously and I made several origami river- based wildfowl out of tear soaked tissues.
Then I pulled myself together at the end of the session to say I was going down to once a week as I paid and left.

It all feels rather unsatisfactory. It's as though I quickly pulled a plaster off a wound that I thought had healed, but it took a bit of skin with it. I feel that I've somehow let P down. It's as though I didn't handle it well, I didn't give myself enough time to get used to it and that this constitutes a psychotherapeutic FAIL!

Have I let myself down?

 I've missed something. I know it. I can feel it. 

If I can feel it, then that's progress. What have I missed?

Well, I know it isn't P that I need to feel bad bad about -she's a big girl, it's her job. She doesn't judge or take things personally, so it's me that I haven't been true to.

I just wanted to say my bit and leave.
 Why was that?
Because I felt guilty saying that I had made progress? That she had helped me to the place in my life where I could go to the next level?  That's a compliment.

Why do I always imagine that whatever I say, good or bad, impacts negatively on others?
 Life generally, isn't all about me -but my life is and my sessions with P are, by necessity.
 It's where I am learning to ask for what I want - to get right to the heart of it and not to skirt around it.
 That's what I am going to work on, to practise getting right to the heart of what I want, for my own sake and no-one else's.

 I wanted to say it and leave because I found it difficult to hear.
 I will find it hard even though I know it has to be done, that I want it to be done. I am like a child making those first painful first steps of independence from its parent.
 P has been so instrumental these last 3 years that it sounds ungrateful.
I am scared to change the formula but it is what I need. It is what I need to do.
I have cried now, P.

I have found the figure.

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